Chelsea vs Spurs: A Ridiculous Retrospective

Trying to make sense of 'Wtf at New White Hart Lane'

I have to hand it to the English press. There is no country on earth that has a better ability of glorifying failure than England. You'd be forgiven for thinking that it was Chelsea who suffered a crushing defeat against London rivals on Monday, such was the magnitude of nonsensical commentary and journalism on full display during and after the match.

Okay, this wasn't Chelsea 5-0 Everton 2016 in terms of dominance. But like that fixture 7 years ago, there were 5 goals and the Blues did triumph (almost to the day, in fact).

The first half was just absolutely utter pure chaos. Spurs take the lead through an absolutely absurd deflection because Colwill committed the cardinal defensive sin of turning his back. Son scores and suddenly those horrid flashbacks of the 6-0 against Manchester City come flooding in. In between all of this Udogie tries to snap Raheen Sterling in two and VAR roulette this time decides a yellow is sufficient, despite the fact it is reckless, high and mistimed. Consistency!

Thankfully, VAR decides some kind of appendage of Son is offside and disallows it. Cristian Romero, determined to continue the legacy of Marcos Rojo and Nicolas Otamendi just proceeds to needlessly kick Levi Colwill in the shins. Colwill goes down in a manner akin to the death of Richard III in a Shakespeare play.

Away from this, actual football is threatening to break out. A disgustingly good pass from Reece James releases Sterling who cuts inside, has an effort blocked but somehow bundles the ball in. Annoyingly, Sterling does quite clearly use his arm to control it before the finish. It is rightly ruled out. However, even more ridiculously, if Sterling squares the ball to Jackson, VAR allow that goal. Nothing like good process eh?

Sterling's involved again about 10 minutes later. He cuts inside and produces an air shot that is so mistimed, he falls over. The ball pings away to Romero who clears it - and in the process tries to snap the shins of Enzo Fernandez. The ball bounces away, Palmer lays it off, Caicedo drills it into the corner. Parity right? Oh for f*ck's sake what are they reviewing now?!

So firstly, VAR get involved looking at Sterling. I can only conclude this was laughing at him falling over. Then we're onto the goal - and Jackson happens to be standing offside. Did he score it? No. Did he assist it? No. Does he happen to vaguely be in the eyeline of the keeper? BINGO! Time to disallow it.

Annoyingly for Spurs, this now brings Romero's challenge into play. It's ridiculously high and wild and it only takes one view on the review to give the red card. Son for some reason comes over to moan about it - perhaps he is taking night classes from Arteta in the art of whinging.

The rest of the 1st half passes quite tamely besides a needless VAR check when Reece James has the audacity to jump using an arm. Outrageous. Has he never seen an Emperor Penguin?

The second half? Well. It's annoying because I quite like 'Big Ange'. He seems like the sort of bloke you'd have a good night at the pub with, and 100% wouldn't shirk his round. However, the pundits making him out to be some sort of tactical Machiavellian mastermind purely for sticking 9 (then 8) outfields on the half-way line, like some laconic military charge from the 16th century is tedious.

I'll tell you where you can see that tactic every single week. Sunday pub leagues. In this case, it is more due to the fact no one can be bothered to track back. Most of them are still hungover. Some are still drunk. That said, I'd still pick Dave "Meathead" Jones over Emerson Royal if I was looking to create a competent defensive unit.

Being fair, it wasn't as if Chelsea needed anything particularly intricate to unlock this defence. Every single fan could see one decent pass over the top was going to cause trouble. However, there are two key terms in there. "Decent" and "Pass". The former refers to not just punting the ball to Vicario at every opportunity so she can sweep up and everyone can faun at how brilliantly he read the move. The latter is a conundrum. When you mention pass and Chelsea FC in the last 18 months, 3 words come to mind. Sideways. Misplaced. Backwards. Unfortunately, none of these pair with decent when it comes to creating a chance.

However, like all great double acts, a decent pass also relies on another component. You couldn't have Morecambe without Wise. Eggs without Bacon. And a decent pass is only worthwhile if the attacking player actually shows some braincells to stay onside.

Here we come to another issue. It seems that every Chelsea FC player this season has decided to pay homage to Loïc Remy by being needlessly offside at least once in every game. I don't mind a player being caught offside, it is an occupational hazard. However, I do mind a player being caught so far offside that you could comfortably fit Gary Neville's ego into the space and still have some spare room. It's extremely worrying when you're sat screaming at your wingers and attackers to copy what Marc Cucurella is doing regarding runs in behind. They should know better.

On the topic of Marc Cucurella, I've got to hold up my hands because I was as critical as anyone last year and his performances this year are finally starting to show why he was so reliable at Brighton. Admittedly he came on at a good time against Kulusevski, who increasingly was seeing nothing of the ball, but even still, his performance was good.

He's even really fitting into the club now because his finishing abilities are starting to become incredibly frustrating!

Jokes aside, the goal is coming for Cucu. Hopefully against Brighton and an Adebayor-esque celebration whilst Caicedo and Colwill tell De Zerbi to cry about it.

What shocks me is no pundit gave Pochettino any credit for subbing off Colwill, who was clearly wound up about being constantly kicked by anything in a white shirt. He's young and it's okay to give him a break at times.

This is what Big Ange should have been saying in his press conference after subbing off Udogie. Not content with already attempting to snap Sterling in two in the first half, he then proceeded to do the same thing to Sterling in the 2nd half. And hilariously he had the temerity to complain about it! It is a bit like Hannibal Lector complaining about murder charges when he's busy chowing down on a human leg.

It did, however, save Sterling from an absolute barrage. That mis-weighted pass was absolutely abject. I am being deadly serious when I say I've seen non-league midfielders play the ball into space with more accuracy. No wonder Nicolas Jackson was so frustrated. It's things like this we absolutely shouldn't be forgetting as in other games, these fine margins will be important.

Going back to Spurs's high line. I have developed a litmus test this week. If a pundit praised it, they are likely not worth listening to. If you ask someone what Chelsea's kryptonite has been over the last 5 years - besides David 'Messi' McGoldrick and also our inhering ability to make Everton FC look like 1970 Brazil - they would tell you a low block. Parking the bus. Two banks of four, strong defensive lines, quick breaks and set-pieces. We'd literally seen Brentford demonstrate it par excellence a week beforehand.

Instead Tottenham tried to play some sort of perfect half-way line offside trap. And even with how abysmally poor Chelsea are at timing runs and finishing chances, it was inevitable eventually they'd get one right. Step forward Sterling who squared it to Nicolas Jackson for the classic goal scored many a time against me on various football simulators in my teens. Whilst it didn't quite have the obnoxiousness of the shhh celebration - Cole Palmer had already aptly delivered that - it wasn't exactly a complex goal to score.

Somehow, this briefly seemed to make us play worse. Every player suddenly wanted to just commit the most stupid fouls and gift opportunities to Tottenham. "USE YOUR BLOODY HEADS!" is what I imagine Big Sam Allardyce was screaming at his telly when he saw every player compete to give away the most brainless of set-pieces. Thankfully, the VAR Giveth and the VAR Taketh Away in equal measure and after an agonising wait, Eric Dier's (admittedly well-taken) finish was ruled out.

Deep into added time and once again, Chelsea crack the Da Vinci code that a decent pass into space is enough to break this Spurs defence. Gallagher bursts through like a freight train and squares it to Jackson. Being kind, you'd say it was a clever disguised finish that outfoxed Vicario. Being realistic, you'd wonder why the f*ck he didn't just leather it past him. Regardless, it creeps in and suddenly a rarity - we've scored 3 in a match! 3 actual goals!

With Spurs now completely dead and buried, they resort to simply not defending at all. Another ball through releases Nicolas Jackson who trundles towards the Spurs box. Mudryk is alongside him, patiently awaiting the tap in. Instead, Jackson shows all the decision-making of a drunk teenager trying to pick a song for Karaoke. Amazingly it works, and Vicario does a tribute act to the old Worm dance. He can boogie.

The Senegalese striker strides round him and rolls it into the empty net. Suddenly this result looks dominant! Incredibly, Jackson ends up 1 goal off Timo Werner's 1st season Premier League return and has the same number of PL hat tricks as Dennis Bergkamp.

There's still a moment to remind us the old Chelsea is still alive and well, however. Again, Tottenham saunter back to the halfway line and again, quelle surprise one decent pass sends them scattering like bowling pins. This time Mudryk is in behind and he actually manages to pick out a man rather than cross it into row Z or foul Pedro Porro like he has spent most the 2nd half doing.

Nicolas Jackson, however, feels sorry for Spurs and rather than score a 4th, he instead balloons it over the crossbar. Quite sportingly I think.

However, Chelsea win 4-1. Spurs's unbeaten run is shattered once again. Ange Postecoglu can simply utter 'Mate' and once again a Chelsea clash with Tottenham Hotspur ends in absolute farce.

The notable stat out of the game? Chelsea become the first team to have beaten Spurs home and away during their times at White Hart Lane (locally known as Three Point Lane), Wembley and The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

We climb to the heady heights of 10th and for once don't need to wait for them to scroll to the bottom half of the table. Most importantly, we have proved that Tottenham do indeed still get battered, everywhere they go, away and at home.

Rob Pratley