A totally serious summary of the Enzo Fernandez Deadline Day Negotiations
You mean you don't believe me?
Chelsea have finally secured the signing of Argentina’s midfield star Enzo Fernandez. Although Peter Drury doesn’t announce signings like goals, I‘m fairly sure he would have gone for something like this:
“Todd Boehly, Behdad Eghbali - two belligerent disrupters of the English game have flown into the heart of the Eagles’ nest in Lisbon, and plucked away the brightest jewel from the Benfica crown. Rui Costa’s left lamenting; ‘Don’t cry for me, Argentina’ and the January transfer window rulebook has been well and truly ripped up. ”
Peter Drury, January 2023, probably
Of course, not everyone is lucky enough to have such in-depth insight into transfers. Fortunately, I have received special permission from my sources to share some detailed snippets on what exactly went down during the 20-hour negotiations.
The Morning
05:00am: Vivell texts Rui Costa asking “Enzo?”. Unfortunately, he forgets the smiley emoji and Rui Costa thus leaves him on read.
06:29am: The new net that Chelsea ordered for catching Enzo arrives after Mudryk broke the last one, trying desperately to escape.
7:37am: Paul Winstanley’s opening pitch to Benfica is interrupted as he receives a phone-call from Moises Caicedo. The Ecuadorian wants advice on his apology post for Instagram. Paul offers to call him back.
9:23am: Rui Costa hears that Chelsea have sold Jorginho and assumes this means they will pay the release clause imminently. Instead, Winstanley just shows him the goal compilation of Andrey Santos at the U20 World Cup and offers to get up CFC Central’s report on the player. Rui Costa declines the offer.
11:23am: To soften his mood, Vivell asks Rui Costa about his international career and if he has won any tournaments like Enzo Fernandez. Unfortunately, this coincides with Paul Winstanley requesting a Greek Salad for lunch. Rui Costa takes this as the ultimate insult and begins briefing Portuguese press that a deal is not possible.
Both parties break for lunch.
The Afternoon
13:24pm: With the clock ticking down, Vivell and Winstanley quietly discuss alternatives including Marcel Sabitzer. When Vivell tries to ring him, however, Roy Keane’s gruff accent informs him that Manchester United are kidnapping him instead.
14:17: Chelsea remind Benfica they happily sold Matic to them before in the January window and no-one batted an eyelid. However, this just reminds Rui Costa of another Serbian at Chelsea who wrecked Benfica’s dreams before.
15:02: Behdad Eghbali arrives in Portugal via a portal a la Thanos in Avengers: Infinity War. Unlike Thanos, he’s actually determined to succeed in his ultimate goal. He calls Todd Boehly, who gives him carte blanche to get the deal done.
15:08: Substitution: Coming off the field, Paul Winstanley and Christopher Vivell, and they are replaced by Todd Boehly and Behdad Eghbali.
16:58: Todd Boehly threatens to spoil the end of The Last of Us if Rui Costa won’t agree. The Portuguese triumphantly informs Boehly that he has played the game and already knows what happens.
17:29: Away from negotiations, everyone on Twitter gets very excited about A-Level Business Studies and Accountancy topics.
The Evening
18:38: Eghbali promises Rui Costa a bag of Haribo Starmix if a deal can be completed in the next hour. Costa prefers Fizzy Tangfastics. Talks continue.
19:58: Talks almost collapse as Rui Costa spots Todd Boehly watching Raul Meireles’s goal against Benfica. Costa is forced to reluctantly admit it was a banger and the deal is saved from the brink.
20:34: With the deal in the balance, Boehly and Eghbali consider ringing Brighton about that other very good Argentinian midfielder who also won the World Cup.
21:07: Rui Costa agrees to a high stakes game of Jenga in order to decide whether Enzo stays or goes. Enzo’s agent joins the meeting.
21:14: Rui Costa loses the Jenga match, however, he asks for best two out of three to decide if Enzo stays until the summer.
21:28: Enzo’s agent coughs during Rui Costa’s turn and thus he knocks the whole tower over. Todd’s phone rings shortly after with the ringtone: ‘Money Money Money’.
21:32: Reluctantly Benfica agree to terms to sell Enzo Fernandez to Chelsea FC for a club record fee. Eghbali describes it as ‘light work’.
21:38: Someone tells Fabrizio Romano the deal is done. However, Fab wants to finish his Heineken and start another one so they spend 20 minutes on stream discussing whether Andre Ayew will join Everton or not.
22:00: Enzo Fernandez to Chelsea, Here We Go!
So there you have it. A cast-iron, absolute retelling of how it happened. Honest.
Appreciate all the kind feedback on this. As you can tell, very serious.
I am totally lost. I really can't decipher the codes in this one but i absolutely laughed through out